????

There are so many things I've wanted to title this post, but none seemed to fit well, so I will just leave the question marks. I'll just say that I need prayer in dealing with my attitude with others in general. Maybe it's rooted in jealousy, which I definitely can fall prey to coveting others "fun" time with their older children. I would imagine most people do not have a CLUE what I'm talking about since the way I feel is not often displayed on the outside for all to see, but ask my husband and he knows what I feel on a daily basis (he probably will not tell you, though, because he knows it is my weakness and an area of prayer).

It's an ongoing struggle in my head involving where I am in this season of life and trying to soak up babyhood while still yearning for some sense of what I would call "fun" that I think will come as Jase finally grows out of babyhood. A lot of my friends who have kids (some even have just one who is older) try to pawn their kids off all the time to grandparents or daycare or sitters so they can be by themselves and it won't "cramp their style". I, on the other hand, have sooo many things I want to do this summer and even during the school year that involve Emma Grace having fun and doing those "homeschool" experiences, but I feel she often gets the short end of the stick because of us having to stay home with Jase. We tried the strawberry patch thing with him, and we had a little fun and got strawberries (which was the thing we did go for), but it doesn't take but an hour or so in a stroller or being carried (which he HATES) and then we're heading back home for his nappy-noo-noo.

I want to take Emma Grace to places I know she'll enjoy---it's about making memories, right? Some of the places are to the Riverbanks Zoo, the free movies on T/W (once a month maybe--not every Tues. and Wed.), Putt-Putting, Fort Jackson Water Park, Edventure (they have the butterfly garden right now), Happy Cow Creamery tour, etc. But all of those would last more than an hour or two, and Jase would be begging for his bed....not to mention how I'd be toting a diaper bag, a snack and/or lunch for him, a stroller, his juice, sunscreen, probably a cooler, etc. It's just not like putting Emma Grace in the van and going. I really don't think it would be worth it to go for an hour to the zoo and then head home---waste of money. Nor to Edventure and home after an hour---you could easily spend 2-4 hours in that place and not see everything---and the cost is like $7 for a child 2 and over and $9 for adults. I'm quite certain, also, that he would not sit through a movie or putt-putting (I'm envisioning right now him crawling down the embankment into a green colored pond while I'm putting a hole-in-one)! So I guess I should ask those of you who read this blog, do you:

1.) Have to wait until your children are out of babyhood to begin to enjoy life?
2.) Hire a sitter since you can't expect grandma to watch him once a week or more often if you have doctor appointments that week too or if grandma has to work that week?
3.) Take the baby anyway and forego making the most of a visit your older child will enjoy (hence wasting $$ since you'll have to go back again to catch the rest of the visit)?
4.) Some other option I'm not realizing??

I guess you can see that I sort of feel doomed to leave my van parked right here at home and not go anywhere all week long. Now, don't get me wrong, we do activities here at home and she's really loving riding her bike lately (won't go outside unless I go out with her still---which is hard b/c Jase again is crawling and pavement isn't a nice friend to knees), but there is just so much cooking, cleaning, playing babies, reading books, sidewalk chalk, etc. you can do before you need to get out of the house. Hopefully the pool at MIL's next door will be ready soon and we can go enjoy the outside weather---Lord knows we've been cooped up in this house too long!

I guess I have a problem like http://www.theprayerofhannah.blogspot.com/ has been hitting on this week about "Entitlement". I need to pray hard about overcoming my feelings of expecting other family members and friends to want to help me in taking care of Jase. (Lord, don't let me go there...part of my attitude thing) This is especially hard on me this year as a stay-at-home mom. Those of you who know me know I'm a mover and shaker. I don't like to sit still for long...don't understand how people can stay at home day after day with no activity. Just would drive me NUTS....does drive me nuts. Now, don't get me wrong...we're busy bees---at least it seems my kitchen gets a pretty good workout! I'm a people person and I like to see progress. Like I told my MIL (we've had this discussion before about her being a home-body and me the opposite), I am a people person and I crave action. I crave the day when we can pack up the kids' bikes and go camping and hiking! I want to cook marshmallows and weenies over the fire with my kids! I want to see their eyes light up at feeding the lorikeets and giraffes. Want to take Emma Grace to dance lessons or allow her to take gymnastics if that's what she wants to do. And the thoughts that weigh me down now are that I could be doing thrifty activities with Emma Grace if I had a reliable sitter ($5 water park, free movies, zoo membership). Just makes me sick to my stomach. :(

Y'all please pray for me in these areas and I'd love feedback from other moms who have the same issues. I know I'm not the only one to ever trod down this path of stay-at-home blues. :)